Stephen Helps President Obama Polish His Résumé

Stephen Helps President Obama Polish His Résumé


>>Stephen: YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT CHALKBOARD
WOULD NOT BE BLURRED? ON MY LIVE ELECTION NIGHT
SPECIAL ON SHOWTIME, 11:00 P.M. ON THE EAST COAST, 8:00 P.M. IN
THE WEST. ON THIS SHOW “TIME” SPECIAL —
I WILL NOT BE DRAWING PENISES,
BUT THERE WILL BE PENISES. ( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF SIGNS
THE ECONOMY IS IMPROVING, BUT THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT THERE STRUGGLING TO FIND
WORK. DID YOU KNOW UNEMPLOYMENT IS
CURRENTLY 100% AMONG AMERICA’S
BILLY BUSHES? ( LAUGHTER )
AND A FRIEND OF THE SHOW IS
ABOUT TO LOSE HIS JOB, SO LAST WEEK I HELPED HIM TRANSITION TO
HIS SECOND CAREER. JIM?>>STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SIR.>>Stephe
TEPHEN.>>Stephen: ALWAYS THE BEST. HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?>>STEPHEN: OH, JUST– YOU KNOW,
I’M ALWAYS– INTERESTED IN
TALKING TO THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. LOOK, I AM SO THRILLED TO JOIN
YOU HERE AT CARNEGIE MELLON
UNIVERSITY. AND JUST LIKE ALL THE STUDENTS
OUT THERE TAKING PART IN THE
WHITE HOUSE FRONTIERS CONFERENCE, YOU TOO WILL SOON BE
LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?>>THAT IS TRUE.>>STEPHEN: AND I AM HONORED
THAT YOU ASKED ME HERE TO HELP.>>STEPHEN, I DIDN’T ASK YOU
HERE TO HELP. I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW YOU GOT
IN HERE.>>STEPHEN: IT’S OKAY TO BE
NERVOUS. ALL RIGHT? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A SEAT?>>I’M ALREADY SITTING.>>STEPHEN: GOOD. SEE IT’S STARTING OFF VERY WELL
ALREADY. AND I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
START WITH A PRACTICE INTERVIEW
AND I’VE GOT JUST THE MAN WHO COULD HELP YOU. EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.>>STEPHEN?>>STEPHEN: YES SIR, JUST A
MOMENT.>>HELLO.>>HELLO.>>I’M RANDY. I’M THE OFFICER MANAGER.>>HELLO, RANDY.>>STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. THIS IS GOING TO GO VERY WELL.>>ARE YOU–
>>STEPHEN: OKAY.>>–INTENDING TO– HELP ME
SHARPEN MY SKILLS– WHEN I GO IN
FOR AN INTERVIEW? IS THAT– YOUR INTENTION HERE?>>STEPHEN: IT’S WHAT I DO FOR A
LIVING.>>OKAY.>>STEPHEN: WE’RE HERE TO FIND
OUT WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO FOR A
LIVING, OKAY?>>ALL RIGHT. LET’S TRY IT OUT.>>STEPHEN: 55. TOUGH TIME TO START OVER FOR A
MAN. OKAY. I HAVE A COPY OF YOUR RESUME
HERE. WHY DON’T YOU HAND IT TO ME AS
IF YOU WERE APPLYING FOR A JOB. GO AHEAD AND DO IT. THAT’S GOOD. YOU’RE A NATURAL. OK. HELLO, MR. O’BALMER. AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?>>CLOSE ENOUGH.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S SEE,
PAPAPAPAPA I DON’T SEE ANY
PROMOTIONS FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS. THAT’S NOT ALWAYS GOOD. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?>>HONESTLY, THERE WASN’T A LOT
OF ROOM FOR ADVANCEMENT IN MY
LAST JOB. THE ONLY ONE WITH A MORE
POWERFUL POSITION WAS MY WIFE.>>STEPHEN: OH OKAY. AH, GOOD. UH-HUH. IS IT A TWOFER? CAN WE GET BOTH OF YOU, BY ANY
CHANCE?>>DOUBTFUL.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. SO TELL ME WHY YOU’RE LEAVING. YOU SAY YOU’RE NOT BEING
TERMINATED, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU CAN’T STAY. IS THAT TRUE?>>WELL, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE
IT’S REQUIRED BY THE 22ND
AMENDMENT OF THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. LITTLE TIP. WHEN YOU SAY STAYING IN YOUR JOB
WOULD BE UNCONSTITUTIONAL, WHAT
EMPLOYERS HEAR IS THAT YOU STOLE OFFICE SUPPLIES. OKAY? SO I’D GLOSS OVER THE REST OF
THAT, OK?>>OK.>>STEPHEN: AND DOESN’T SAY
HERE. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? ( LAUGHTER )
>>REALLY?>>STEPHEN: IS THIS THE LONGEST
FORM OF THIS RESUME AVAILABLE?>>WHY DON’T WE MOVE ON?>>STEPHEN: OKAY, GOOD. DESCRIBE, IF YOU CAN, THE TYPE
OF OFFICE YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK
IN?>>WELL, I WAS HOPING FOR A NICE
CORNER OFFICE. OR AT LEAST AN OFFICE THAT HAS
CORNERS IN IT.>>STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT SOME OF YOUR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS? AND KEEP IN MIND IT’S IMPORTANT
TO DESCRIBE THEM IN SUCH A WAY
THAT IT HIGHLIGHTS HOW YOUR EXPERIENCE MIGHT BE RELEVANT TO
A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER.>>OKAY, WELL– I BROKERED
INTERNATIONAL DEALS THAT SLOWED
THE IMPACT OF CLIMATE CHANGE AND PREVENTED IRAN FROM ACQUIRING A
NUCLEAR WEAPON.>>STEPHEN: OKAY, LET’S CHANGE
THAT TO “PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT
EXCEL.” ANYTHING ELSE?>>WELL, I REOPENED RELATIONS
WITH CUBA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
50 YEARS.>>STEPHEN: I’D CALL THAT ONE
“CONVERSATIONAL SPANISH.” SI? OKAY. IT SAYS HERE– LET ME SEE IF I
GOT THIS RIGHT. IT SAYS HERE YOU SAVED THE
AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY.>>YEAH, BUT NOBODY BELIEVES IT. CHANGE THAT TO “DRIVES STICK.”>>STEPHEN: OH, THAT’S GOOD. THAT’S GOOD. IN CASE YOU WANT TO BE A LONG
HAUL TRUCKER. OKAY. IT ALSO SAYS HERE YOU– YOU
HELPED TENS OF MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS WITH THEIR HEALTHCARE.>>YOU BET.>>STEPHEN: OKAY, LET’S TEST
THAT OUT. IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS?>>DON’T DO THAT.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY AWARDS OR
COMMENDATIONS?>>WELL, I HAVE ALMOST 30
HONORARY DEGREES AND I– I DID
GET THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.>>STEPHEN: OH REALLY? WHAT WAS THAT FOR?>>TO BE HONEST, I STILL DON’T
KNOW.>>Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. ALL RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO FIRE
ANYONE?>>NO I USUALLY LET SEAL TEAM
SIX HANDLE THAT.>>STEPHEN: OKAY, OUTSOURCING. OKAY GOOD. NOW, SOCIAL MEDIA, VERY HOT. DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH
THAT? LIKE TWITTER?>>WELL, I HAVE 77 MILLION
FOLLOWERS. DOES THAT COUNT?>>STEPHEN: THAT’S VERY
IMPRESSIVE. HOW’D YOU GET SO MANY?>>EXECUTIVE ORDER.>>STEPHEN: REALLY?>>AND PHOTOS OF CATS.>>STEPHEN: OH, SMART. NOW, THESE DAYS EVERY BUSINESS
WANTS TO APPEAL TO THE
MILLENNIALS. YOU KNOW WHAT MILLENNIALS ARE.>>I THINK SO.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GET THEIR
ATTENTION?>>WELL, I TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP
THAT THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
ELECTION OF THEIR LIFETIMES. THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO MAKE HISTORY. AND THAT THE RESULTS IN NOVEMBER
COULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER
SO THEY HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>STEPHEN: I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T CATCH ALL OF THAT. DID YOU KNOW THERE’S A SNAPCHAT
FILTER THAT GIVES YOU A FLOWER
CROWN?>>OF COURSE I KNOW THAT,
STEPHEN.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES,
OKAY? WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BIGGEST
WEAKNESS IS?>>WELL, SOMETIMES– WHEN I
TALK–
I TAKE– TOO MANY PAUSES.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. IN THREE WORDS OR LESS WHAT’S A
COMMON CRITICISM YOU HAVE FOR
OTHERS IN THE WORKPLACE?>>I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE
REDUCE COMPLEX IDEAS TO SOME
SIMPLISTIC CATCH PHRASE.>>STEPHEN: WE CAN’T ACCEPT THAT
ANSWER.>>YES, WE CAN.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S SEE. ALMOST DONE. DO YOU HAVE A BUSY SCHEDULE? AM I KEEPING YOU FROM SOMETHING?>>YOU ARE.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. IS THERE ANYONE WE CAN TALK TO
FOR A CHARACTER REFERENCE?>>I KNOW SEVERAL TURKEYS THAT
OWE ME A FAVOR.>>STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO
KNOW. AND HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND
YOUR TIME? DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?>>YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE
DOING? IS ENCOURAGING THE YOUTH OF
AMERICA TO GET OUT AND VOTE THIS
NOVEMBER SO THAT THE GOOD WORK THAT WE’VE DONE OVER THE PAST
EIGHT YEARS CAN CONTINUE ON INTO
THE FUTURE.>>STEPHEN: SO NO WHITTLING OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?>>NO–
>>STEPHEN: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. AND– NOW SIR, BECAUSE WE ARE ON
A NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, I
CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO ENDORSE A CANDIDATE RIGHT NOW. BUT I DO– I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
YOU ABOUT YOUR CHOICE OF SNACKS. COULD I DO THAT?>>SURE.>>STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT GREAT. I HAVE TWO CHOICES FOR YOU HERE. WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN EXTRA
FIBER NUTRIENT BAR, WHICH HAS
TRAVELED TO MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED COUNTRIES, OR THIS
SHRIVELED TANGERINE COVERED IN
GOLDEN RETRIEVER HAIR, FILLED WITH BILE THAT I WOULDN’T LEAVE
ALONE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE?>>WELL, I THINK I’LL GO WITH
THE FIBER NUTRIENT BAR.>>STEPHEN: INTERESTING. OKAY. SO, ULTIMATELY, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO BE?>>DONE WITH THIS INTERVIEW?>>STEPHEN: OKAY, GREAT. BEFORE WE WRAP UP ANY QUESTIONS
FOR ME?>>I’M STILL WONDERING HOW DID
YOU GET IN HERE?>>STEPHEN: THAT’S AN EXCELLENT
QUESTION. INQUISITIVE. WE LIKE THAT. OKAY. FANTASTIC. WELL, THAT ALL CHECKS OUT,
MR. PRESIDENT. WE’D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE
POSITION. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE THE
MANDATORY COMPANY PHYSICAL. IF YOU’LL JUST– RELAX AND PUT
ON THAT GOWN OVER THERE WE WILL
GET GOING.>>I THINK WE’RE DONE HERE.>>STEPHEN: I HAVE WARM HANDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU! THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT!>>STEPHEN: WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH BILL O’REILLY.

100 thoughts on “Stephen Helps President Obama Polish His Résumé”

  1. 知道嗎,许多囚狱潜伏在犯者身体,有时会冒出,SO,对了,男狐和祸客和三合共济组,他们会召喚和排除,不如多一項兼功,约聘後,攝记一切送於教宗教皇請示功勞而返入门,对了,从聘至年老时也須攝记至终,,,OK。
    叔叔们,可不能像日本台—遊後,有的直入宗门,有的四处飘流,还是多争取功得,光榮回宗门,教宗们也不会難向多宗而言,大多三合共济己弄僵国,,,S0。
    班,永眠又僵尸组,,,。

  2. In May 2019, I'm crying. At the time this was filmed, we thought Hillary would win hands down and now we have this nightmare that's lasted over 2 long years so far.

  3. "I'd like a corner office, or at least an office with corners in it" Oval Office, this class of humour—

  4. From such lofty, classy heights to such pathetically low depths.
    Goddammit, America, you really fucked up a good thing.

  5. ✌👽😃🎶👌🐧😍😘📯🧙‍♀️🎅🤡🤩🤗😅🤐😀🇺🇸👱‍♀️🎙🎚🔉😎😑😍🐵🐒🦍🐶🐕🐕🐩🐺🦊🦝🐱🐈🦁🐯🐅🐮🦌🦓🦄🐎🐴🐆🐂🐃🐄🐄🐄🐄🐷🐖🐗🎃🎄🎎🎍🎁🎗🎟🎫🎑🎖🏆🏅🏀🏐🏈🏉🎾🥤🥢🍸🍯🎂🍪🌍⛰🌋🏕🏖🧱🏤🏤🏘🏝🏔

  6. politics totally aside , it's very obvious that Obama has a very colorful personality. I wish he was a medical doctor in a position like that of Dr.Phil's instead of a politician. He is very funny.

  7. the idea was entertaining ( incl obama’s contribution- being a good sport ) but only just offset the sad American humour ( esp last gag )

  8. I was a genociadal orwellian survelliang corporatrocatic pro Wallstreet technocrat president as much as Bush sr, jr and Trump. And top deportaror as much as Trump. The policy to separate migrant children and their parents was started by me.

  9. President Obama has such class. Too bad the next President couldn't catch any of it. Thanks, President Obama for your service.

  10. 7:23 It amazes me how, in the US, nudity is unacceptable, but jokes that involve fingering the president are ok. Here in Europe, that kind of jokes would be unacceptable, but we are a bit more comfortable with nudity.

  11. Obama is a walking talking publicity hungry man. Haters hate me! But truth is not a cup of tea for all and even if it is then that tea is bitter!

  12. 2yrs later it still bring tears😭😭😭to my eyes. How could we as Americans except what we let in the W.H??? Unbelievable how we went frm Class to Trash🙏🙏🙏🙏

  13. I MISS A PROLIFIC, BRILLIANT, CARING, POSITIVE,GRACEFUL, LOVING HUSBAND and PRESIDENT!!! Come baaaaaaack!!

  14. Watching this mid 2019 is honestly disappointing. The polarity of how the past 2 presidents speak and act is saddening. There’s always the 2020 election I guess…

  15. can you see how #45 basically just spends it time to unwind the things Obama listed as achievements? yet he hasn't achieved anything yet but dividing the country

  16. A true leader of the free world. Now you Yankees got what you (and the Russians) voted for…A racist and sexist pig!

  17. Obama had a great personality with terrible policies. Trump has a terrible personality with great policies. I know which one I'm picking to run a country

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